{"id":4175,"date":"2023-06-28T10:01:57","date_gmt":"2023-06-28T09:01:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/?page_id=4175"},"modified":"2023-06-28T10:01:57","modified_gmt":"2023-06-28T09:01:57","slug":"save-the-planet","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/?page_id=4175","title":{"rendered":"SAVE THE PLANET"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Save the Planet<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A play by<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bill Andrews<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Synopsis <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two gays, Bamber and Tristan, arrive at Tristan\u2019s sister, Marge\u2019s, house for Christmas.  They are upset there is no Christmas tree.  The sister and husband, Frank, are vegan, climate change activists and are providing a spartan welcome. Marge is very pregnant.  As there is no tree Tristan goes to find one and returns with lots of decorations, too.  He also returns with a turkey, pigs in blankets, wine and other groceries. Frank and Marge are a bit snooty about it but Frank can\u2019t resist joining in.  Marge\u2019s parents, Brenda and Tom, arrive a bit later and next day they all have their Christmas meal together.   Tom takes Bamber into his confidence and tells him about his sexual fantasies.  They play a type of charades with global warming as the topic.  Later that evening they discuss Frank\u2019s electric car and whether self drive cars are the future.  They also learn about why Bamber can\u2019t visit his family in Kampala.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cast:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber – gay Ugandan late 20s<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan – Bamber\u2019s partner, gay late 20s<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge – Tristan\u2019s sister, pregnant early 30s<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank – Marge\u2019s husband, late 30s<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda – Tristan and Marge\u2019s mother, 60s<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom – Brenda\u2019s husband, 60sScene 1<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: So what sort of pad does your sister, it\u2019s Marge isn\u2019t it?, live in?  Oh and what\u2019s her partner\u2019s name again?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: It\u2019s a sort of shack surrounded by trees.  And his name is Frank and they are married.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:<\/em> A shack?  You\u2019re bringing me to spend our first Christmas together in a shack in the middle of nowhere?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: Stop it.  It\u2019s a very cosy shack and Marge is lovely.  You\u2019ll love her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: Lets hope so.  Do they know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: Know what?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: Know we\u2019re together, an item?  Know we\u2019re fucking gay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: Of course.  I came out to the family when I was 15 or 16.  When I had my first boyfriend.   Oh here\u2019s their village, Little Bogarse, not far to go now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Little Bog Arse?  Is that the name of this place?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Great, the shops are still open.  It\u2019s a nice old-fashioned place with a butcher, a greengrocer and a general store.  We may have to do business with them yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Why\u2019s that?  Our SUV is full to bursting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Oh here\u2019s the turning.  It\u2019s that place on the right through those trees.  See it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  That?  I thought you said it was a shack.  It looks like a discarded shed to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  That\u2019s his workshop, my lovely.  The house is over there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  That\u2019s more like it.  Although, are the walls made of polystyrene?  That\u2019s what it looks like from here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Yes.  Frank wanted to insulate the place and apparently 2 inch polystyrene was cheap and effective.  So he stuck it on the outside of all the walls.  It looks awful but it keeps the house warm in winter and I don\u2019t think they\u2019re worried about appearance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Right.  Try to be polite.  No swearing and not too much lovey dovey  stuff.  I\u2019m sure they\u2019re fine with us being gay but….<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Abso-fucking-lootly.  Wow! That\u2019s a cool car.  What is it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: Frank said he was buying an electric car.  I guess that\u2019s it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: I\u2019ll have to have a ride in it.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: I don\u2019t want you getting any ideas about changing our car yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: But it\u2019d be fun to go electric.  All the neighbours\u2019d be jealous.  And it\u2019d be another contribution to saving the planet.  Let\u2019s have a kiss out here before we go in, tongues and all.  Oh shit the door\u2019s opening, too late.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sound of car doors opening and shutting.  <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scene 2<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan and Bamber at the front door Marge comes out followed by Frank wearing a Santa hat and Christmas jumper.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Hi sis.  You look lovely as ever.  Oh hi Frank, love the outfit darling, very Christmassy.  I\u2019d like to introduce my partner and lover, Bamber.  He\u2019s a real queen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Hello and compliments of the season. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank and Marge together<\/em><\/strong>:  Welcome and Happy Christmas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Can I help you get your things in?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  I\u2019ve put you both in the loft room.  I hope you\u2019ll be comfortable there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  So we\u2019re sleeping together my duck.  Great.  Let\u2019s bring our stuff in.  The presents are on top so I\u2019d like to unload them first. Where\u2019s the tree?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  We decided against a tree this year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  What? You can’t be serious.  Christmas isn\u2019t Christmas without a tree.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  We don\u2019t think it right to cut down millions of trees just to decorate people\u2019s living rooms for a few days.  So we decided to do without this year.  We didn\u2019t send out Christmas cards either as it seems a terrible waste of resources.  You know, trees to make the card, petrol for delivering it and all the glittery stuff stuck on that can\u2019t be recycled.  We feel we\u2019ve got to make a real effort now, change our life style after what we\u2019ve learnt about the state of the planet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Yah, boo, humbug.  Since when have you started caring about this sort of thing?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  You can blame me if anyone is to blame.  I\u2019ve become very concerned about global warming ever since David Attenborough and Greta Thunberg drew my attention to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  I don\u2019t want to be rude, but do you honestly think not having a Christmas tree and not sending cards is going to stop global warming?  Actually, can we get our stuff in before we get into a philosophical discourse on the state of the planet?  I\u2019m dying for a pee and I know Bamber is desperate for a cup of tea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Sorry darling, of course.  Stick the presents behind the door in the lounge and your cases upstairs.  Frank, give them a hand.  Bamber, what sort of tea would you like?  We\u2019ve lemon and ginger, peppermint or rooibos.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Just builders tea, milky with 2 sugars please.  Not keen on funny teas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Oh I am sorry;  we don\u2019t have any drinks with caffeine in, nor do we have milk.  We\u2019re concerned about the heath effects of caffeine and we don\u2019t have dairy because of the methane cows burp out.  Sorry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  I don\u2019t want to be rude but when we\u2019ve unloaded I\u2019ll just nip down to the shops and get some as I don\u2019t want Bamber sulking all Christmas. He\u2019d be awful without his cups of tea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Get some sugar while you\u2019re there then as that\u2019s something else we don\u2019t have for health reasons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Okay Marge no problem.  Bamber can you manage the cases?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber nods and carries them off stage.  Tristan also goes off.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Frank darling, don\u2019t judge Tristan too harshly.  He has always refused to join in any kind of social change.  He\u2019s a lovely person but he\u2019s very conservative and very stubborn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Well Tristan is not on his own.  This is what we\u2019re up against.  People just don\u2019t take climate change seriously and even when they do become aware of it they\u2019re not prepared to change their way of life, except in very minor ways.  I don\u2019t even think we\u2019re doing nearly enough.  I wish we hadn\u2019t made that cruise booking, flying to San Francisco and then cruising all the way across the Pacific.  I wouldn\u2019t book it now but we didn\u2019t think like this two years ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Well it\u2019s booked now and we\u2019d loose our deposit if we cancelled.  So let\u2019s enjoy it.  It might be even more pleasurable knowing we can never do anything like it again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong> (appearing):  Sorry where\u2019s the restroom<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Sorry?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  The restroom, the loo, the bog.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Oh sorry, didn\u2019t hear you properly.  There\u2019s one under the stairs just here and your bathroom is next to your bedroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Thanks.  Erm Frank, there\u2019s bubble wrap stuck on the window in our bedroom and I wasn\u2019t sure if that was intentional?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Yes it\u2019s intentional – it\u2019s cheap additional insulation.  We like to keep the place warm but with a minimum of fuel.  It\u2019s all part of our global warming strategy. We\u2019re very concerned for the future of the child Marge is about to produce.  You may think this is a bit cranky but many experts, even the United Nations, think we are in a global emergency.   So we\u2019re trying to do our bit.  If every person tries, the carbon output will fall and our future will be brighter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: Very admirable.  We\u2019ve got to start thinking like that ourselves.  We are doing our bit in our own way.  Since we\u2019re obviously not going to have children we\u2019re doing our bit towards the most important problem facing the planet – overpopulation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Touch\u00e9.  We\u2019re only planning to have 2 offspring.  If everyone restricted their families to just 2 children the world population would gradually shrink because of people like you and other heterosexuals who either can\u2019t or don\u2019t want children.  The average births would be 1.85 per couple and even with advances in medical science extending the life expectancy that would be enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan arrives back with a Christmas tree and several boxes of decorations.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Sorry Frank, I know you\u2019ll probably disapprove but the tree looked lonely and it was heavily reduced as the shop was just about to close, and he threw in the decorations.   It would all have gone to waste if I hadn\u2019t taken it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh and the butcher was selling his last items off as well, so I bought his last turkey.  I know you\u2019re both vegans but Bamber and I are carnivores and I think Mum and Dad will enjoy some meat, too.   Also, I couldn\u2019t resist buying half a dozen nice bottles of plonk even though I know neither of you drink.  All very naughty but hopefully very nice.  Bamber, love, would you be kind enough to bring the shopping in while I sort out the tree?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scene 3<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Come in, come in.  Happy Christmas, mum, happy Christmas, dad. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  Happy Christmas, darling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: Happy Christmas.   What\u2019s that wonderful smell?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Tristan bought a turkey so you\u2019ve a choice for dinner – my nut roast or Tristan\u2019s turkey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  Oh my poor baby.  Has Tristan been bullying you?  I hope he didn\u2019t make you cook it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  No, Mum. Bamber, Tristan\u2019s partner, cooked it.  It seems he does the domestics in their household.  Tristan just tells him what to do!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  Like he tells everybody!  Is he nice this Bamber?  I hope so.  It\u2019s all a bit much for your Dad, Tristan living with another man.  And Tristan said they\u2019re thinking of getting married.  I didn\u2019t know two men could do that.  It doesn\u2019t seem right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Shush, Mum.  Just be glad Tristan\u2019s happy.  Bamber\u2019s lovely.  He\u2019s very effeminate but also very funny.  You\u2019ll like him I\u2019m sure.  Oh, I\u2019ve put you in the back bedroom.  I\u2019ll just get Frank to help Dad with his bags.  Frank,  Frank.  Can you help Dad please?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber enters with Santa hat and tinsel round his red jacket.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Hello, Marge\u2019s mum.  I\u2019m Bamber.  I\u2019ll help with the bags.  Frank\u2019s busy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Mum, this is Bamber.  Bamber, this is Brenda.  Oh thanks.  Dad\u2019s outside unloading the car if you don\u2019t mind helping him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber exits.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  Oh I didn\u2019t know he was black.  Dad\u2019ll get a shock when this black bear of a man suddenly appears next to him and offers to help.  Oh it gets worse.  First my son says he\u2019s gay,  then he says he\u2019s living with another gay man, then they\u2019re talking of getting married and now his partner is black.  Still at least he doesn\u2019t want to change sex like some do.  We\u2019re lucky about that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Shush, Mum.  You\u2019re sounding racist and homophobic. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  No, don\u2019t get me wrong.  I\u2019m not racist or homo whatever.  People can do what they like, have sex with whoever.  It\u2019s just a shock when it\u2019s so close to home, but I must say he\u2019s very handsome and very polite.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom enters with suitcases, followed by Bamber. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  Where\u2019ve you put us, love?  This nice young fella\u2019s carrying most of the weight.  I don\u2019t know what your mother\u2019s packed, but the bags are really heavy and we\u2019re only stopping one night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  No, dear.  We\u2019re staying until after the New Year. I told you several times already.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  Oh that\u2019s right. I keep forgetting. Must be my age.  This way, young man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Dad, this is Bamber, Tristan\u2019s partner.  Bamber, this is my Dad, Tom.  You\u2019re in the back bedroom. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: putting the bags down.  <\/em>Pleased to meet you, Tom. Shakes hands.  <\/em>Didn\u2019t say a proper hello to you, Brenda.  Gives her a hug and a kiss on both cheeks – she looks thrilled.  <\/em>Right, to the back bedroom.  Exits with Tom.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  What a gentleman.  I can see why Tristan likes him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  That\u2019s better, Mum.  Forget he\u2019s a black gay.  Think of him as a lovely man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong> appearing with apron on<\/em>: Sorry, Marge.  Did you want me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  No it was to help Dad with the bags but Bamber stepped in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Oh hi, Brenda.  Hugs and kisses her but she looks bored.<\/em>  How are you?  How was your trip down?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  It was fine until Tom switched off the satnav. We went miles out of our way and I kept telling him and he kept ignoring me.  Eventually I persuaded him to let me drive and I followed the satnav straight here.  He\u2019s such a stubborn old man these days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom appears.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: Who is?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>: You are and you know it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: Well you might have a point but I wish you wouldn\u2019t tell everyone else about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>: It just makes it easier for them if they know. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: Well I don\u2019t want anyone\u2019s pity. And anyway Frank\u2019s known me for years.  I\u2019d have been fine with a map.  It\u2019s just you insisted on using that dreadful, what\u2019s it called?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda:  <\/em><\/strong>Satnav, short for satellite navigation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scene 4<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The 6 of them are seated round the table eating Christmas lunch.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Red or white Brenda?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>: Just a small glass of white please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Frank?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Red please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Frank!  I thought you\u2019d given up alcohol.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  I have, but I\u2019m having a day off to celebrate Christmas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: Marge?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  I can\u2019t drink. I\u2019m pregnant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: Of course, silly me.  It must be hard not to have a glass of this lovely grape juice at Christmas. Tom?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  \u2018Ave you any beer?  I\u2019m not too partial to wine, foreign muck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda:  <\/em><\/strong>Foreign muck!  I don\u2019t know how you can say that.  I\u2019ve seen you totally gobsmacked on sangria in Spain.  Isn\u2019t that foreign?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Sorry, love, no can do.  Unless, Marge, you\u2019ve got some hidden away?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Sorry, Dad.  I\u2019ve ginger beer if you\u2019d like that? We\u2019ve gone teetotal so there\u2019s nothing in the house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: I\u2019ll try the red then, if it comes recommended. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  It does.  Tristan, darling?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  I think I\u2019ll have some of the red please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  I\u2019d like to propose a toast.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: I would like a drink please.  A nice glass of tap water please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber gets up and comes back with a glass of water<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Thanks.  Sorry, Frank.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: No, I\u2019m sorry.  I should have noticed.  Anyway, I\u2019d like to propose a toast.  Welcome and Happy Christmas. It\u2019s good of you all to come.  Thanks, Tristan, for the turkey and all the other goodies and thanks, Bamber, for doing the cooking.  The smell of the turkey is so good I\u2019m going to break my vegan diet and partake of a slice or two. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Frank!  Have you no self control?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: It\u2019s not easy suddenly giving up alcohol, coffee, meat and dairy and eggs after a lifetime of enjoying them and I\u2019ve kept it up for 6 months so I feel I\u2019m entitled to a break.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  So, if it\u2019s not a silly question, why have you gone vegan?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Lots of reasons really.  Firstly, I don\u2019t like the idea of killing animals to eat.  Then there are huge environmental downsides to keeping and feeding animals.  Eating vegetables and fruit is far more sustainable for the planet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: But why give up dairy and eggs?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Well, mainly because of the damage to the environment, but also I don\u2019t like the way dairy herds or chickens are treated.  Can you imagine if instead of having fields full of sheep or cattle we allowed those areas to re-wild back to how things were before we arrived? The wildlife would recover, the insects, the bees, the hedgehogs and so on.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  How long have you been vegan?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Almost six months now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  <\/em><\/strong>Well I think you\u2019re very lucky.  You have so much choice.  You can eat whatever you like.  I grew up with rationing.   It was years before I saw my first banana and butter was a complete luxury.  Usually we had a thin layer of margarine made from whale oil on our bread.  We had to use powdered egg for cooking as eggs were few and far between.  And meat was a rare treat.  So I think going vegan is insane.  You should think of the sacrifices of our boys and girls in the war that made what you\u2019ve got now possible.  They did what they did so we could have peace and prosperity. And so we could eat what we like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge:  <\/em><\/strong>Dad, times have changed.  Then the problem was that we were trying to destroy fascism. Now the problem is we\u2019re destroying the planet.  If we all keep on eating what we want I dread to think what will happen.  Certainly our children will suffer and I don\u2019t know if our grandchildren, when we have any, will survive.  We do appreciate our brave soldiers, sailors and airmen but we\u2019re facing different problems now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Marge, would you like a slice of turkey with your nut roast?  It won\u2019t do any harm as the damage has already been done and I\u2019m sure you\u2019d enjoy it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: No thank you.  I\u2019m sticking to my principles.  Mum, you\u2019re drinking fast.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda:  <\/em><\/strong>Jusht getting into the Chrishtmas shprit. How hi is a Chinaman.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Well said, Brenda.  Marge, I know you\u2019re stronger than me but it\u2019s my Christmas treat.  I won\u2019t go back on my promises after today.  I don\u2019t know how high a Chinaman is.  I suppose it depends on how much he\u2019s had to drink.  Ha, ha.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda:  <\/em><\/strong>No How Hi is a Chinaman.  That\u2019s his name.  Is Ha Ha a Chinaman too?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Frank – meat with two glasses of wine already.  I suppose it\u2019ll be coffee and brandy after dinner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Leave him, sis.  He must do what he wants to do.  Anyway, it\u2019s a case of the pot calling the kettle black, I think. You\u2019ve only recently given up smoking.  Or have you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Of course I have. No self-respecting woman smokes when they\u2019re pregnant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  The turkey is perfect, if I say so myself, and the whole meal is a triumph.  I must say it\u2019s my first ever taste of nut roast and that\u2019s delicious, too.   Thank you so much for allowing me to share your Christmas Day. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan:<\/em><\/strong> So Frank I suppose this is a busy time for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:<\/em><\/strong> Yes it\u2019s always busier in the cold weather.  And I\u2019ve just finished a training course on heat pumps.  The government is planning to phase out gas boilers in 5 or 6 years so as an electrician I could really do well.  But I need to know what I\u2019m doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber:<\/em><\/strong>  Excuse my ignorance but what is a heat pump?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:  <\/em><\/strong>A heat pump is a device that transfers thermal energy from one point to another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber:<\/em><\/strong>  Sorry Frank that doesn\u2019t make any sense to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:<\/em><\/strong> The pump takes the heat from the air or the ground and pumps it into the house.  A fridge works the same way but in reverse.  It sucks the heat out of the fridge and puts it into the room.  The heat pump sucks the heat out of the outside air pumps warm air into the house and expels the cold air back out.  They use far less energy than a conventional boiler which is why they are being phased out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber: <\/em><\/strong>Well the whole world\u2019s changing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  Why did the chicken cross the road?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber: <\/em><\/strong>Cause it wanted to get to the other side?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda: <\/em><\/strong>Because the higher the fewer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber:  <\/em><\/strong>I don\u2019t understand.  That makes no sense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda: <\/em><\/strong>No.  That\u2019s the point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Mum!  How much wine have you had?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scene 5<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Washing up Tom and Bamber<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  It\u2019s very good of you to offer to wash up when you\u2019ve done all the cooking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Well, I thought I\u2019d get out of the way for a bit.  You know, let the family have a get together without me there.  Give them a chance to talk about me.  You should go and join them.  I\u2019m fine here on my own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: No, I\u2019m quite happy just letting them get on with it.  Anyway, now it\u2019s just the two of us I\u2019d like to get to know you better.  I don\u2019t want to pry and I know what I\u2019m going to ask you is personal, but I have a good reason for asking it, so I hope you\u2019ll bear with me and not take offence. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Really, ask away.  I can always refuse to answer if I don\u2019t like to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  Okay.  What I wanted to know was, what age were you when you, you know, knew you were gay?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  I can\u2019t give you a definite answer to that I\u2019m afraid.  From the age of, I suppose 14, I started exploring my sexuality.  I had my moments trying to get inside girls bras and also enjoying joint masturbating sessions with various mates.  The girls usually slapped my face so my mates won out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  Oh, we never did anything like that.  I\u2019ve never touched another boy\u2019s… you know.  How did you know, how did you decide?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Well it wasn\u2019t a eureka moment, as it was for Tristan, it was a gradual realisation that I fancied boys and I didn\u2019t really fancy girls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  Thanks for sharing that with me.  I find it really interesting and I didn\u2019t know it was a eureka moment for Tristan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Why\u2019s it interesting?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  Well, what I\u2019m going to say mustn\u2019t go any further, okay?  Especially to Tristan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  On my mother\u2019s life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  Well, I\u2019ve never been completely sure about myself.  I did what was expected of me, what all my contemporaries were doing, found myself a woman, got married etc, etc.  But I have always had fantasies about going with another man and that\u2019s disturbed me.  I\u2019ve never done anything about it but there again I keep having these thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Everyone has fantasies, but that\u2019s all they are, fantasies. I have fantasies about having sex with a very fat woman, but I think, in reality, I\u2019d hate it and anyway, I don\u2019t intend to find out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: Yes, I\u2019m sure you\u2019re right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Hello, you two.  Right about what?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Oh nothing.  We\u2019ve just been setting the world to rights, haven\u2019t we, Tom?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  How fascinating, any conclusions?  I\u2019ll take over if you like.  Oh, I hope you\u2019re not throwing any food away.  We\u2019re very particular about that.  Nothing must go to waste.  We\u2019ll make soup out of the left-over vegetables if you could scrape the stuff into this pan.  Thanks.  Even the leftovers on the plates.  It all gets cooked thoroughly.  You lot can have turkey and stuffing baps later and we can have soup for lunch tomorrow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber: <\/em><\/strong>I bet that\u2019ll be delicious.  I love a hearty soup.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge:  <\/em><\/strong>While you two have been doing all the hard work we\u2019ve been debating what to do this evening, apart from eat and drink that is.  Brenda wants to play bridge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber exits as Marge takes over.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: Well, that\u2019s a surprise!  She\u2019s completely hooked on bridge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  But, I think that\u2019s not ideal as it means two people would get left out.  Anyway, I\u2019m not sure that enough of us can play bridge to form a, what do you call it?  A quartet?  Then Frank suggested Monopoly but that also went down like a lead balloon.  So the upshot is, we\u2019ve decided that we are all playing charades – two teams, men against girls only Bamber has offered to be a girl to even up the numbers.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  Yeh, there are four men and two women so Bamber being a girl makes sense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  You\u2019re right, Dad. He wanted to be a girl, anyway – he\u2019s changing into women\u2019s clothes as we speak!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  He\u2019s what?  Oh well I cant wait to see him!  Charades, you say.  That\u2019s a bit boring isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Well, to make it topical and more interesting, instead of films, books and so on, the theme is climate change.   We have to mime something to do with climate change to the other members of our team.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: Very challenging!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda enters and Marge leaves<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  Hello.  Good to shee at leasht one of the boys doing their bit.  Tom you should be wearing rubber gloves or you\u2019ll spoil your lovely hands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  Don\u2019t be stupid.  My hands are rough from gardening.  A bit of hot water won\u2019t do them any harm and I resent that about doing our bit.  It\u2019s a sexist remark.  It implies that we, I, don\u2019t pull our, my, weight domestically and I don\u2019t think that\u2019s fair.  And anyway, Bamber has done all the washing up as well as the cooking and you\u2019re pissed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  Only a little and don\u2019t get on your high horse, Tom.  I was jusht making convershashion. No offence intended.   Do you think Bamber\u2019s got AIDS?  His skin\u2019s a bit off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom:  <\/em><\/strong>I hadn\u2019t noticed anything wrong with his skin.  I certainly hope he hasn\u2019t or Frank might catch it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge enters.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Catch what?  We\u2019re starting charades in ten minutes in the lounge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom exits<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda:<\/em><\/strong> AIDS, catch AIDS.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge: <\/em><\/strong>Oh Mum!  I don\u2019t know what\u2019s got into you these days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda:  <\/em><\/strong>I want to have fun.  I\u2019ve got a lot of catching up to do and it\u2019s not easy being married to Tom who\u2019s stuck somewhere in the 50\u2019s.  And you don\u2019t help with all your \u2018save the planet stuff\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scene 6<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All the family sitting round. Bamber enters in a dress with false breasts prominent <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Lovely, Bamber.  Come and sit on my knee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: None of that, you two.  Right, it\u2019s time for our game.  We need two teams.  We were going to have the men against the girls but instead I thought in my team would be Tom and Bamber which means Frank has Brenda and Tristan in his team.  So, each team has one female and two males and each team has one oldie in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: What\u2019s that implying, Marge?  That Brenda and I are somehow substandard because we\u2019re going grey and wrinkled?  You\u2019ve got that wrong.  Our age has given us more time to hone our brains so we\u2019re the tops.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: (ignoring Tom)  Each team has to draw up 3 items for the other team to mime and write them on these pieces of paper.  The items have to be directly connected to climate change.  One member of the opposite team then has to try to get the other members of their team to guess what\u2019s on the piece of paper by miming.  No speaking allowed.  And it\u2019ll be against the clock.  The team who guesses all 3 items in the shortest time wins.  We\u2019ll toss to see which team goes first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  What is the prize?  What does the winning team get?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: (ignoring Tristan) Heads or tails, Frank.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: I\u2019m not the captain.  Tristan, will you be captain, or you, Brenda?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>: Tailsh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Tails it is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>: Ok.  Our team will go firsht.  Where are your three items?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge:<\/em><\/strong> Hang on, give us a minute to write them down.  Everyone, here\u2019s a piece of paper each.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda:<\/em><\/strong> I\u2019ve a great item.  Here, Frank, look.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:<\/em><\/strong>  Sorry, Brenda, you don\u2019t show me.  You mime it and Tristan and I have to guess what\u2019s on the paper.  Anyway, I don\u2019t think cigarette smoking is responsible for global warming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda:<\/em><\/strong>  It\u2019s a dishgushting habit and it doesh pollute the atmosphere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:  <\/em><\/strong>Yes, you\u2019re right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge:  <\/em><\/strong>Hang on, it doesn\u2019t matter if you see what Brenda\u2019s written.  You give your clues to us.  One of our team has to mime them and the others have to try to work out what the answers are.  But you\u2019ll have to choose another clue now we\u2019ve all heard that one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:  <\/em><\/strong>How about Brenda and I decide together on an item, eh Brenda?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda:  <\/em><\/strong>No, I\u2019ve a better idea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:<\/em><\/strong>  OK<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: (choosing an item).  Christ!  I can\u2019t do this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: The clock starts…..now!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: How many words?  Okay, 2.  How many syllables in the first word?  You indicate with fingers on your forearm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Isn\u2019t this help you\u2019re giving counted as cheating? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: I don\u2019t know how many.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Well you count like this: Constantinople is con, that\u2019s 1, stan, that\u2019s 2, tin, 3 and ople,4.  Now how many in the first word?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay, 3.  Can you mime it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan makes an x with his fingers<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: First syllable – ex<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan nods<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Dad, you\u2019re on our team.  We don\u2019t help them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Exam, external, extra, example, ex wife, ex husband.  Try to show us another syllable or the whole word.  This sign means the whole word.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank shows the sign and Tristan shows it back.  Then tries to draw a volcano in the air.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Not any of those.  Okay the whole word: hill, mountain, oh it\u2019s exploding, volcano.  Ex volcano.  Active volcano?  No not active. Um extinct.  Tristan nods his head and gives the thumbs up.<\/em> Longer than extinct. Extinction<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan nods<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Extinction Rebellion. Stop the clock.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: What\u2019s that?  What\u2019s Extinction Rebellion?  Oh, I know, it\u2019s that group of hooligans that brought London to a standstill.   We should have kept National Service.  Two years in the forces would sort that lot out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Dad, they\u2019re not hooligans. You\u2019ve been reading the Sun or the Daily Mail.  Climate change is at a tipping point and Extinction Rebellion thinks not enough is being done to address the issue, so they\u2019re trying to bring it to everyone\u2019s attention.  I\u2019m a supporter.  They\u2019re trying to stop HR2 as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: Well done, Frank.  I never thought anyone would be able to get that.  Right, it\u2019s your turn now.  Ho, ho.  Are you going first, Bamber?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: Stop gloating.  I don\u2019t see why not.  Is that okay, captain?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  I vote for you as captain. You start anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  This item has nothing to do with the subject.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  I think that\u2019s my item and if you think about it, it\u2019s everything to do with global warming. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Okay, I get your drift, but I\u2019m not sure my team mates will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Start the clock.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Right ho, Bamber, one word, how many syllables? 3.  Bamber mimes.  <\/em>Is it raining?  You\u2019re putting on a coat?  A raincoat?  A mac.  So that\u2019s the first syllable – mac.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  Are you on my team?  You\u2019re taking off your hat.  Right. Lifting it, erm, removing it, donning it.  Right it\u2019s donning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Mac Donning.  Not mac Donald\u2019s surely?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: Stop the clock.  I get it, Tristan, you think they\u2019re responsible for global warming?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Well yes, certainly.  The Amazon is being cut down and turned into grazing for cattle to turn into burgers for their customers.   And cattle burp out vast quantities of methane which is a worse greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide.  Every American puts out more than three times as much global warming gas as one Britisher and a lot of that is because they eat so many burgers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: I like it. I wasn\u2019t thinking so laterally.  I was thinking of glaciers, ice bergs, that sort of thing.  Right who\u2019s next?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:  <\/em><\/strong>I think I\u2019d better go next as Brenda\u2019s gone to sleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan:  <\/em><\/strong>I think I\u2019d better wake her as she\u2019s on our team and her job\u2019s to help me figure out what you\u2019re trying to mime.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda:  <\/em><\/strong>I\u2019m not ashleep.  I was dreaming of  big Mac with skinny French fries.  Not really as I\u2019m still very full.  You go firsht, Frank.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:  <\/em><\/strong>Right, here goes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan:  <\/em><\/strong>Does that mean two words?  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank nods indicates the second word then mimes a car – brm, brm<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: Second word, car, bus, lorry, truck, tractor, erm, vehicle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank nods then indicates the first word, second syllable, then gets down on all fours and starts squeaking and twitching his nose.  Bamber roars with laughter.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan:  <\/em><\/strong>Shut up, Bamber darling, you\u2019re putting me off.  Frank was that supposed to be a mouse?  Right, something mouse vehicle.  What do you think, Brenda?  Oh dear, she\u2019s gone back to the land of nod.  What\u2019s the first syllable Frank?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank does his car impression again.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Let\u2019s see.  Car mouse vehicle, bus mouse vehicle erm, oh I\u2019ve got it auto mouse vehicle… autonomous vehicle!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank: <\/em><\/strong>Stop the clock.  Well done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan:  <\/em><\/strong>Well done, you.  I\u2019m not sure quite what they have to do with global warming?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank: <\/em><\/strong>Well, they predict that in the near future we\u2019ll be able to summon an electric autonomous vehicle from an app on our phones rather than owning a car.  At the moment our cars only get used for 10% of the time if that and just sit around doing nothing the rest of the time, whereas an AV, that\u2019s what they\u2019re know as, will be in almost constant use.  So far fewer vehicles will be needed to do the same amount of journeys and, as each vehicle takes a lot of energy and resources to manufacture, fewer vehicles mean less global warming.  Have you noticed how many cars there are on garage forecourts all over the country?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom:  <\/em><\/strong>You won\u2019t get me in one of them AV things.  I like to be in control.  No bloody computer will be driving me around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:  <\/em><\/strong>We\u2019ll see.  If you don\u2019t trust computers I wouldn\u2019t go flying again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom:  <\/em><\/strong>Why\u2019s that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank: <\/em><\/strong>Because computers fly modern aircraft these days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda: <\/em><\/strong>Then what do pilots do?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank:  <\/em><\/strong>I\u2019m not sure exactly.  Things like talk to the control tower and of course the passengers.  Just be in overall charge, I suppose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom:  <\/em><\/strong>Well, the world is changing so fast I can\u2019t keep up with it.  I only had my first mobile phone last Christmas and I still don\u2019t know what an app is.   I don\u2019t like seeing the person I\u2019m talking to nor do I want them to see me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scene 7<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Coffee anyone?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Sorry, we don\u2019t have any.  Our ban on caffeine.  I think I already mentioned it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  I bought some when I went to the shops.  Have you a cafeti\u00e8re?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Sorry, Frank took all our teapots and coffee making items to the charity shop weeks ago, when we went vegan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Erm, sorry Marge. I put everything in the garage ready to go, but, at the time, I wasn\u2019t sure how serious we were about it all….  so it\u2019s all still there.  Anyway, I\u2019ll go and fetch a cafeti\u00e8re from the box.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Frank!  You\u2019re hopeless.  You say you\u2019ll do things for the planet but you backtrack all the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  Anything else from the box?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  Did I hear mention of a teapot?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Yes, I\u2019d like that, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank exits.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: To get back to our little competition, I thought our team won because Brenda cheated.  There\u2019s no way plastic bag, her charade item, is anything to do with global warming.   So I couldn\u2019t be expected to get it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  I agree.  Plastic is a major problem, one that we\u2019re all trying to address, but it\u2019s nothing to do with global warming. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  You made a good attempt at it, though.  We guessed elastic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  I thought it was all part of the whole problem.  It\u2019s all I read about in the paper.  Plastic, plastic, plastic.  That and what Trump\u2019s been doing.  He doesn\u2019t believe in global warming, does he?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank enters with teapot and cafeti\u00e8re. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Here you are, Tristan, here you are, Bamber.  If you\u2019re making, could I have a coffee, too, please?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Frank!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: With soya milk please.  Actually, I think that\u2019s all we\u2019ve got.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  No, that\u2019s something else I bought as I knew Bamber wanted it in his tea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Oh, yes.  I think you told us earlier.  But I will stick with soya.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: So, do you concede, now we\u2019ve established Brenda cheated?  Oh, Frank, you weren\u2019t here, it\u2019s been agreed that plastic bag is nothing to do with global warming. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Well, if you like your team won.  But you have to acknowledge we guessed all three items in record time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>:  So, Bamber, Tristan tells me that you and he plan to get married.  How does that work?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Well, we haven\u2019t planned anything, but it\u2019s going to be a civil ceremony as I don\u2019t fancy wearing a white dress.  No seriously, neither of us is religious and I\u2019m not sure whether churches would have us.  We\u2019re not thinking of honeymooning in Uganda in case they hang us for being gay, in fact there\u2019s quite a number of countries that we\u2019ve had to strike off our list.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: We\u2019ll get married in the UK and you\u2019ll all be invited.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>: Have you a family, Bamber?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: Yes, my mum and dad are still alive and I\u2019ve three sisters, all older than me, all married and all with children.  They all still live in Kampala but I had to leave before they found I was gay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>: How awful for you.  I bet you miss them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Of course, and it\u2019s terrible that I can\u2019t go back to see them in case they catch up with me.  I\u2019m so grateful to this wonderful country for letting me live here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  Did you have trouble getting, what do you call it? Residency, citizenship?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  The authorities were awful.  Put poor Bamber through hell, but we\u2019re just grateful that it\u2019s all over now and we can live freely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  We take so much for granted in this country.  All we read about is Brexit, terrorism and knifings in the big cities and yet most of us live safely in relative luxury.  Which is why we\u2019ve made an effort to reduce our global footprint and why we want to crusade to convert the rest of the country to do the same.  We want our kind of life to be available for our offspring. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  I applaud your sentiment and I shall be working on Tristan to reduce ours, starting with cutting out meat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  I don\u2019t believe this!  Bamber is the most carnivorous person I know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Well, I\u2019ve been convinced by Marge and we will cut our meat consumption. Shall we say to twice a week? Then once we\u2019re used to that, to once a week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  Nice idea.  Let\u2019s give it a try.  I\u2019m not going down the no alcohol or caffeine route though and I don\u2019t think I\u2019d like to cut butter and cheese from my diet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>:  Well, if you just use soya in place of cows\u2019 milk that\u2019s a start and you\u2019d soon get used to the taste.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>: And I like the idea of an electric car.  Could you give me a ride in it tomorrow, please, Frank?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>:  I\u2019d love to.  We\u2019re very pleased with it.  It does over 175 miles on one charge and if we\u2019re going further we just stop off at a service station and have a coffee or lunch and charge it up.  The running costs are very low and, of course, it doesn\u2019t pollute the environment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: I read recently that at an investors conference an expert predicted that within 10 years most cars would be electric.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: That sounds too soon to be realistic. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge<\/em><\/strong>: Well, he started off his presentation with two pictures taken in New York 10 years apart, one with the street full of horse drawn carriages and the other full of cars and he explained that changes can happen that fast – from horse drawn carriages to cars in just 10 years. Another example, just think of the iPhone.  Apple wasn\u2019t a phone manufacturer 15 years ago, and now it dominates the market.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: He went further in this presentation. He thinks self drive cars will be on the market very soon and using them will be so cheap, private car ownership will become an unaffordable luxury.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom<\/em><\/strong>: The world is changing so fast ….although that sounds incredible I can see it happening. Personally, I will be glad to see the back of the motor car.  It\u2019s had its day.  Now all our streets are clogged with cars and people have places to store their cars rather than front gardens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank<\/em><\/strong>: Yes, all you\u2019d have to do is order a vehicle from an App on your phone and it\u2019d be there in minutes, like you do with an Uber.  But because there would be no driver to pay, it would be very cheap.  The streets would be freed up.  There\u2019d be fewer accidents as most accidents are caused by human error and huge areas of our towns which are currently just used for storing stationary cars would be freed up for low cost housing or parks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>: Car manufacturers and oil companies must be shitting themselves.  What will the Arabs do when no one wants their oil anymore?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  I\u2019m afraid all this talk is doing my head in.  I don\u2019t like to think about all this change.  I\u2019m off to bed, if you don\u2019t think I\u2019m rude.  Just before I go could I ask you Bamber \u2018 what\u2019s the difference between an elephant\u2019s bottom and a post box?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber:  <\/em><\/strong>Sorry I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda: <\/em><\/strong> You don\u2019t know!  Well I won\u2019t be giving you any of my letters to post.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tristan<\/em><\/strong>:  The old one\u2019s are the best – jokes I mean.  I liked the world better before the internet.  Self drive cars.  Makes my head spin.  I\u2019m going up, too. Are you coming Bamber?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  Me?  No, I\u2019m going to stay with the men drinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brenda<\/em><\/strong>:  I thought you were a girl?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bamber<\/em><\/strong>:  That was earlier.  I\u2019m a man now.  But a man who knows when he\u2019s had enough to drink and when it\u2019s bedtime.  So goodnight everyone. Thanks for a lovely Christmas Day and for letting my team win the competition and for such interesting conversations.   Frank, darling, are you all right?  You look awfully pale.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frank rushes offstage desperately trying to reach the toilet before he\u2019s violently sick.  Vomiting noises off.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marge:<\/em><\/strong>  I knew this would happen.  It\u2019s the meat, the alcohol, the caffein his body isn\u2019t used to it.  I\u2019d better see if he\u2019s all right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everyone<\/em><\/strong>:  Goodnight<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Save the Planet A play by Bill Andrews Synopsis  Two gays, Bamber and Tristan, arrive at Tristan\u2019s sister, Marge\u2019s, house for Christmas.  They are upset there is no Christmas tree.  The sister and husband, Frank, are vegan, climate change activists … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"parent":25,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-4175","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/4175","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4175"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/4175\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4201,"href":"https:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/4175\/revisions\/4201"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/25"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/billandrews.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4175"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}